November 2017

Hi and welcome to another month of musing, reflecting and journeying through life.

Let me ask you; how do you end your day?

Do you just jump in to bed exhausted and mindlessly wander to the dreamland? Or do you have rituals like having a cuppa or a skin regime you do nightly?

Some people write in a journal as a way of ending their day; reflecting on whatever came up for them. I like to sit out in my porch looking at the trees and plants and practice gratitude. Think about all the moments of joy in my day that I am thankful for. Now this sounds like an easy ask doesn't it? However, on days that are stressful or don't go as planned it is tempting to spend my energy focusing on what went wrong in my day rather than what was good and joyous.

We talked about vulnerability last month and this continues on again from that. It's vulnerable work to lean into the discomfort of our days and allow ourselves to feel what we need to and move on. Reflecting, journaling or practicing meditation, mindfulness or daily gratitude are all great ways of detaching ourselves from our day.

So today; I went and had a CT scan and as I was going home afterwards I pondered on the process. The table I had been on was narrow. The machine, again quite narrow. I hadn't once worried about whether I was going to fit on that table or that machine, or even fit the gown I was given to wear. I was reminded of my MRI last month; I hadn't even questioned whether I would fit into their machines. There certainly was a time in my life when that wouldn't have been the case. I would have worried incessantly over fitting on or into any of it. Going away; the shame of the extender belt. The holidays where I couldn't participate in most of anything because of size, weight restrictions, and physical incapability. It all came back to me as I reflected on having a CT scan today. I fit. And so much so I hadn't questioned in my mind that I wouldn't be able to.

What a mind shift to pre surgery and 170 kg. I felt so grateful in that moment for my surgery and losing the weight. I don't have to live in a state of anxiety over whether I'm going to fit into something or somewhere. I know how vulnerable and full of shame I felt in not being able to; whatever that circumstance was. So much of my day and my thoughts were determined by my weight in some way or another. It's nice to not be so consumed by these thoughts of shame around my size.

Like most things, it was hard work to get to that place and I've had to unpack just about everything I have ever felt or believed about myself in order to get to this point. Today I was able to reflect on how far I have come. I don't feel defined by my weight anymore and there is space and serenity in my thoughts and beliefs where shame once sat.

Tonight I'm reflective and grateful. For all that I have been; for all that I am and for all that I am yet to be. I need not be defined by my story or my past shame. I am me and I am enough just because I breathe.

Maree x

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